Here in the Netherlands it is Korkusvakantie, the crocus flower being a common sign of the seasonal change. Something is definitely shifting for me too. I find the words ‘epic’ and ‘seismic’ quite fitting for my change.
Why? Because this cycle of change has felt like I have fallen in with my hugest inner demons and done battle with them, just like dear Gandalf at the end of Episode 2 of Lord of The Rings. One of my favourite parts of the film. Now, its no surprise as to why it resonated with me so much.
I knew back when I first watched it, it felt so compelling yet i was unaware that one day my time would come to let go and just face my demons. “You shall not pass!!!” Says Gandalf to the giant Balrog of Morgoth. To stand up for oneself against the external forces and distractions is only half the battle. I believe that the moment Gandalf is dragged into the pit is when the real battle commences.
Imagining myself in Gandalf’s position, falling off the Bridge of Khazad-dûm, I see that as the time when my inner demons come out in force and I either face and transform them, or I remain a victim to them, consumed by our own darkness. Since my move to Amsterdam, I have found that this experience is sadly not a one-off Hollywood epic moment like the film clip. My fears can reveal themselves time and time again, just to remind me that there is much more richness to be drawn out from my life. The only way to get to those diamonds is to dig them out of the dark bit by bit and polish them until we shine.
There are some gems in my life i have only just uncovered because I have dared to ‘go deeper and go broader’ (a phrase I fondly recall from an SGI-UK Buddhist course I was on last summer 2014).
I also began to look through notebooks and sketchbooks from 15 years ago and have discovered ideas bursting from each one. I have a lot of work to catch up on!!! I am glad i am in a place where I can devote time to my creative calling. It has taken some time.
I feel like I have broken a seal.
The blockage was a thick slab of fear – a denial of my authentic needs.
Something i had to do in order to survive.
Needs i had buried very deep many years ago in order to keep them safe.
Now it is safe. it is time.
Things are now beginning to flow.
More, much, more to come….. and its starting to feel ok.
The result of my latest ‘excavation’ this week, can be evidenced in the amount of work i’ve been able to produce, and progress I’ve made to find a kiln i can hire for firing. I share some images here with notes under each one.